Saving A Marriage, What Are Its Dynamics?
The process of saving a marriage can be described as an art and understanding how marriage works behind the scenes is vital.
Marriage is an organic being. It, like everything else, has its own seasonal cycles. Just as we go through major changes in our lives e.g. as a result of aging, becoming more independent professionally or simply arriving at a stage in our lives when we expect different things from life, so too, our marriage will evolve to the point when it will reflect our altered selves and our changed expectations from each other and life.
There are many theories going on about the various stages that a marriage may undergo yet one thing is clear - your marriage never stays the same. Of course, not every married couple goes through the same stages of change. Alternatively, many couples will go through changes but in a different order. Some cycles will recur over and over and others will pass almost unnoticeable.
One thing is clear, relationships are meant to evolve and fortunately for most married couples whom have learned to understand the dynamics of a relationship changes will mean improvement of their relationship rather than its deterioration.
Here is a list of the stages that a marriage may undergo during its lifetime. Go through the list, look at all its points and identify where you are now in your own marriage. There’s no real magic to saving a marriage; knowing where you are now will help you determine where you want to go.
Stage 1 - Romance and infatuation
This stage can last from a few months to a few years and is oftentimes considered one of the most intense phases when it comes to feelings and emotion. When you just start to date your girl or guy you are in love. Everything goes smoothly, you share the same ideas about life, you like almost the same food, you like watching nearly the same kind of movies, everything seems just too perfect to be true. You look through each other’s eyes and you perceive your reality as being one. There’s a general tendency to think that you will stay together forever and you will live your lives without any sort of disagreement. Not surprising that this stage is widely popularized in popular literature and Hollywood movies.
Stage 2 - When the honeymoon is over
This stage is a little bit more realistic when it comes to recognizing your differences. You start to realize that you are two separate individuals each with their own history and emotional baggage.
Stage 3 - Staking your turf
This can be a challenging stage for many people as you will start to notice a different side to your partner than you may have anticipated before. Conflicts may creep in. It’s not always easy to accept that your loved one may have their own habits that may annoy you a great deal. Sometimes the differences may be so great at this stage that many folks start to doubt whether they’ve made the right choice.
Stage 4 - Time to withdraw
This stage is the time of withdrawal and weighting all the pros and cons of your marriage. Typically this stage is filled with fear and emotional turbulence as you start to imagine yourself without your partner and thinking about all the uncertainty of the divorce. During this stage you’re most tempted to have an affair as a way to escape your problems. This is the period of 'dangerous liaisons' that may temporarily renew your feelings of love and infatuation that you’ve once had with your partner. This is the most critical period in the life cycle of a marriage. Many people end their marriages right at this point.
Stage 5 - Reconnecting
If you have gone through the previous stages and have still stayed in your relationship chances are you've changed your perspective on your marriage. Most likely you have gone through a lot of conflicts and petty irritations meanwhile you have learned to accept each other's differences and flaws. The process of saving a marriage indeed involves a lot of acceptance. The complete acceptance of each other’s behavior, opinions, habits and hangups is only an indication of how much you’ve grown up both as an individual and a couple. Now you understand that the love you've had for each other is enough to go on with your marriage and bring it to a different level.
Stage 6 - Staying committed
If you’ve reached this stage it is usually an indication that you’ve learned to integrate the needs of your marriage by making them part of your own. At this stage your spouse and you understand that you are one team instead of two separate entities. Now you are ready to commit to your relationship making it work no matter what.
These stages described here don’t make the whole list of phases that a married couple may undergo. However, these will give you a general idea of what a marriage, even the most successful one may have to deal with. Of course, every situation is unique for every person is unique; yet once you are aware that these stages are actually quite common among many marriages you will understand that the process of saving a marriage is by no means rocket science. What is important here is that you learn to deal with your marriage problems right there and then when they arise and not putting them off before a disaster can occur.
Learn more about these stages and how the dynamics saving a marriage works from the wonderful course by Amy Waterman, Save My Marriage Today.
